The One you never give up on – even when you know you should

I have a wonderful best friend called Kerry. The best way to describe her is a modern hippy. She walks with grace and poise and has this unwavering respect for nature and all that walks among it. I have never known another like her.

In my previous posts, I’ve given out about our addiction to reality television and the lives of celebrities. I’ve also spoken about the damaging affect your ego can have on your mind set. This is why today, I am going to speak about Kerry, a real person with a real life and real feelings.

Four months ago, Kerry and her boyfriend of almost three years ended their relationship. Last week Kerry and I went for dinner to discuss this relationship in all its gory details. Kerry wanted to show others that they are not alone.

“Look three years is not a lifetime I know, but over the course of that period I perceived it to be my last – my one and only.” she begins.

It’s easy to roll your eyes when people use phrases such as “soul mate” “one and only” or quite simply “the one”. But nobody enters a relationship without believing to some degree that it will last. Otherwise what’s the point?

Kerry met Mr. X at a party and they clicked, tale as old as time. Sure enough that spark quickly became a fire and it wasn’t long before they became “official.”

“We spent a lot of time together in the beginning,” she tells me. “endless hours just talking and being together and very quickly, we moved in together. For us, it was a logical next step. Soon after a year had passed.”

I can hear the strain in her voice as she tries to piece together their not-so-love story. Often when a relationship ends, it is as if someone has died. I honestly believe that. The person that you shared your life with, ceases to exist. That bond you had can never be repaired. You can never get that person back.

“Throughout our relationship, his prior ex-girlfriends seemed to linger and ‘pop up’. One rang him constantly, when he blocked her, she’d send letters. He’d throw them out without opening them. At the very beginning of our relationship, I cracked and had to read her letter. I retrieved it from the bin and my stomach sank as I read her words. She spoke about how he would never love me as much as he loved her, how much better looking she was etc.. all of that childish nonsense I could have brushed over. Until she detailed an apparent night they had spent together. He claimed it was before we had met and that his ex was crazy. Honestly, based on her behaviour at the time it wasn’t difficult to believe him. Obviously it gave me doubts, but they were always put to rest and smoothed over. In reality it was always a plaster fix to an open wound.”

In true Kerry form, she tries to be gracious and acknowledge his good traits. It’s visibly difficult for her and I offer to scrap the conversation/blog post completely. She shakes her head and continues.

“He left his job, just as I had started a new position. As we had bills to pay and the company were still hiring, I put in a good word for him and we began working together. It went well at times and downright awful at others. We had our arguments but always woke up to a new day as a team and we loved each other deeply. We talked rings, the future and in general, how we would be together forever. Then we moved into a new apartment.”

Kerry has this way of rolling her eyes, without even rolling them. It’s a combination of an eyebrow raise and ‘pop-out-of-your-head’ eyes. She does this now, her tone becoming much more agitated and matter-of-fact like.

“I fell into a spell of depression, I mean, we were struggling with everything. He would lie about everything, from the mundane to much more important matters. He would steal money from our joint savings and from me. Once he took money out of my bank account and tried to blame it on my friends! I became so paranoid and dependent but I would always be met with an indignant stubbornness. As opposed to the comfort I had previously received. Guilt maybe? I don’t know.

“I would wake up alone and find him sleeping on the couch. After a certain point, I didn’t even bother to wake him. I stopped talking to everyone, it was as though I wasn’t really checking in anymore. He would go out drinking and not come home until the morning. He wouldn’t answer his phone, I would call wondering where he was and would be met with confrontations about how he was his ‘own man’. I accepted this. This is what I thought was love. He would flirt with my friends and make them uncomfortable and when they would question it, he would laugh at them and make them feel like it was their issue and not his. He would lie, leer, cheat, steal and then tell me I was crazy. For a while, I think I went crazy.”

True to Kerry form, she laughs. Breaking any awkward tension that had been starting to form. I reassure her that she wasn’t crazy and fill her full of the break up clichés that I am sure she has heard a million times over.

“That’s when I heard the rumour. I was in work and was informed that a girl working in the store right next to us had received flowers. Flowers, he perceived to be from him. I was baffled and he, true to Mr. X form, poo-pooed my accusations. With the echo of ‘she’s crazy baby.’

“That’s when she got in touch with me, she sent me messages of their affair. It was an affair, we had just moved into his mothers house and were preparing to save for our own place. We had created a life together and formed a future with each other. All the while he had a second girlfriend. In the time that we weren’t together during the day, he had wined, dined, kissed and fucked her for three months. Then, he’d come home to me, to hold me, kiss me, love me and fuck me. Eventually, and I stress eventually, he admitted to it. Even with all the evidence piling up against him, he still tried to deny it. It wasn’t until I met her for lunch and he physically saw us together that he even began to admit it. I still don’t believe the full story he told me.

“That was it. I told him he needed to go and sort out his lingering issues with alcohol and some other things that are not mine to divulge. He always wanted to move to Amsterdam, I told him to do it. He did and that was that. It was surreal, I didn’t tell my friends for three days, I was still living in his mothers house! A week later I told my parents and I moved home. A month later, he came home from Amsterdam, or as my friends put it ‘when the dust settled he crawled out from the hole he was hiding in’. He contacted me and asked to meet up, due to an upcoming family commitment and an hour prior to that he blew me off and never spoke to me again.”

I should mention, when Kerry found out about his affair she left her job. A job she wanted so badly that after her interview she cried, thinking she had fucked it up. When Mr. X returned from Amsterdam, he resumed his position in the company.

“I am hurt. I do feel like he got everything at times. Mostly I just pity him. I heard he’s still fucking the girl from next door and has begun a new relationship in the mean time. Sometimes you have to make the same mistakes over and over for it to sink in, maybe that’s what he’s doing. Personally, I made the mistake of loving him once and I won’t make that mistake again.”

I ask how she coped, what she did to get over it and what she plans to do now that her future no longer includes him.

“When it first happened, I was in shock. Definitely. To be honest, the first month or so is a blur. I went into autopilot. My chest hurt all the time and everything I saw, touched or heard was tinged with a sad aura. I stopped eating and just wanted to sleep all the time. I barely cried and when I did it never lasted long. I wrote down my feelings and began to work through them that way. That really helped me! I threw myself into a new job, made sure to fill my time with my people and wrote down my thoughts, days, dreams, feelings – everything! Eventually, I started going on dates!”

She gives me a knowing look when I ask about her dates and retorts with:

“I’ve already bared enough of my soul, time to keep this one for me.” and she laughs, typical Kerry style.


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